2014 has kicked my ass and it's only May. At the end of 2013 I took a stress leave from work. My brother-in-love, whom I've known since I was sixteen years old was fighting a hellified battle with Lou Gehrig's disease. This disease is a motherfucker, to put it lightly. I could not handle what it was doing to him and my family. I could no longer focus at work so I asked to take a leave. I returned back to work on January 8th only to turn around and be fired on February 4th. Comedy, right? My leave was approved so the shock I experienced the day I got fired was like nothing I'd ever experienced before.
Here's another kicker for you. I wrecked my car the weekend before I got fired. I was unable to rent a car until Monday so I had to call in. I went to work early Tuesday so I could get a jump start on my day since I was absent the day before. I got to work at 6:30am. My boss came in late. 9:30 to be exact. We had a weekly touch base meeting scheduled. During these meetings I generally gave him a rundown of what I was working on. We walked into a conference room and there was this miscellaneous man in there. I didn't think anything of it because conference rooms were always overbooked and sometimes we had to share the rooms. So I walked in ready to rattle off projects I was working on. My boss proceeded to lay down this sheet of paper. He then introduced our special guest. Apparently this guy was from Human Resources. He said, Dee, we have received feedback that you have been distracted. I'm thinking, that's true. So what else? Then he precedes to say, we are letting you go. It is not working out. If y'all could have felt the Samuel L. Jackson cussin'-out rising up through my insides, you would have feared for your life. He kept talking and all I could feel was flames coming out of my ears. I said, you are heartless. Looking back on it, I think I was having a breakdown. The HR guy went on to say something about if you want to know about your benefits during this time, please contact this number. I looked at him and said FUCK benefits. This was totally out of character for me. I reserve my cuss words for close family and friends. I don't curse, I cuss. There is a difference. Clearly, I had lost my mind.
I walked out of there and headed to my desk to get my belongings. I was so pissed because they were walking with me like I was some kind of criminal. My boss escorted me to the the elevator. He said, Dee do you need anything? It took all the glory of God for me not to slap him. I decided to let the elevator do the talking. I politely shut the doors right in his face. No goodbye, no thank you for this opportunity and no you'll be hearing from my lawyer. As those doors closed, so did that chapter of my professional life.
The blessing in my brother-in-love's illness was that as he faded away, those who loved and cared for him gained the ability to not really give a shit about the little things that went wrong. Losing a job? That's a little thing. Crashing your car? That's a little thing. When someone is fatally-ill and you see them battling for their life, you finally realize that as long as you have your faith, your health and strength you can get through anything.
I walked out to the parking garage and immediately called my sister. Me: Sis, guess what? Her: What? Me: I just got fired. Her: YOU LYING! Me: I promise to God. Her: Sis! What the fuck?! All I could say was, "right." She said, well you sound calm. What could I do? I knew when I got in that car that I was going to spend as much time helping my sister and brother-in-love as I could. Maybe God freed me up for that. All things work together for good, that's what my bible says.
My sister said she needed a huge favor. She needed me to start planning my brother-in-love's funeral. Plan funeral - got it. That next day my best friend and I visited our first funeral home. I couldn't believe this was happening. All I knew is that this had to be the best funeral ever, if there was such a thing. I sat and talked to the funeral director and just the mundaneness of the process wore me out. When people experience a lot of death they become either extremely impersonal or gracioulsy empathetic. I wish there were more empathetic people in the world but for someone reason, I was dealing with all the emotionless ones. I went to the first funeral home with my best friend. I visited the second funeral home by myself. I am not sure who I thought I was that day. I woke up and thought I was superwoman. I thought I could go in that funeral home by myself and discuss arrangements like an adult. I cried the entire process. Imagine picking out a casket for your 37 year-old brother. My sister and I had played a twin-trick on his parents once, I was with him when he picked out her engagement ring, I was with him when he asked my dad for my her hand in marriage - we were just doing 'da butt' together at my 30th birthday 5 years ago! I introduced them for God's sake - so many great memories. I have all these memories replaying in my mind and this funeral director is talking to me like I'm picking out an expensive handbag. Sir, this is my brother! Nevertheless, my tears and I got through that process. 3 weeks later, my brother-in-love passed away.
We laid him to rest on February 28th. Life after has been an adjustment. The services were beautiful just like he deserved. I walked away from his services thinking "When I die, what will the say about me? Will the work I've done, be enough to help someone?" I have been spending my life since then trying to figure out what is next for me. These series of events have changed the trajectory of my life. Where am I headed? Am I headed towards wife and mommy road? Will I fall into another corporate job? Will I pursue that dream of becoming an author? What will my legacy be? My hope for everyone reading this is that you won't have to experience all of this to evaluate the importance of your life. What will you leave your children and all those who love you? Being a positive and uplifting influence costs you nothing. Build your legacy now.
